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the timecrime never happened either. Very neat, very clever. But with the
historical record so closely scrutinised and the ChronoGuard themselves giving
Zvlkx the seal of approval, how on earth did Zvlkx - if he was a fake
get around the system?
'Hello, Doofus!' said Joffy as the happy couple kissed outside the church in a
shower of confetti. 'What brings you here?'
'St Zvlkx where is he?'
'He got the bus into Swindon this morning. Why?'
I outlined my suspicions.
'Zvlkx a rogue member of the ChronoGuard? But why? What's he up to? Why risk
permanent eradication for dubious fame as a thirteenth-century seer?'
'How much did he get from the Toast Marketing Board?'
'Twenty-five grand.'
'Hardly a fortune. Can we look in his room?'
'Outrageous!' replied Joffy. 'I would be guilty of a shameful breach of trust
if I were to allow a room search in his absence. I have a spare key here.'
Zvlkx's room was much as you would suppose a monk's cell to be - spartan in
the extreme. He slept on a mattress stuffed with straw and had only a table
and chair as furniture. On the table was a Bible. It was only after we started
searching that we found a CD Walkman under the mattress along with a few
copies of
Big & Bouncy and
Fast Horse
.
'A betting man?' I asked.
'Drinking, betting, smoking, wenching he did it all.'
'The magazines show he can read English, too. What are you looking for, Joff?'
Joffy had been rummaging under the pillow.
'His
Book of Revealtments
. He usually hides it here.'
'So! You've searched his room before. Suspicious?'
Joffy looked sheepish.
'I'm afraid so. His behaviour is less like that of a saint and more like that
of, well, a cheap vulgarian -
when I translate I have to make certain . . .
adjustments
.'
I pulled out his desk drawer and turned it over. Stuck to the bottom was an
envelope.
'Bingo!'
It contained a single one-way Gravitube ticket to Bali. Joffy raised his
eyebrows and we exchanged nervous glances. Zvlkx was definitely up to
something.
Joffy accompanied me into Swindon and we drove up and down the streets trying
to find the wayward saint. We visited the site of his old cathedral at Tesco's
but couldn't find him, so went on a circuit that took in the law courts, the
SpecOps building and the theatre before driving past the university and down
Commercial Road. Joffy spotted him outside Pete & Dave's, lumbering up the
street.
'There!'
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'I see him.'
We abandoned the car and trotted to keep up with the scruffy figure dressed in
only a blanket. It was just bad luck that he glanced furtively behind and
spotted us. He darted across the street. I don't know whether his lank and
uncut hair had got in his eyes, or he had forgotten about traffic during his
stay in the
Dark Ages, but he didn't look where he was going and ran straight in front of
a bus. His head cracked the windscreen and his bony body was thrown sideways
on to the pavement with a thump. Joffy and I
were first on the scene. A younger man might have survived relatively
unscathed, but Zvlkx, his body weakened through poor diet and disease, didn't
stand much of a chance. He was coughing and crawling with all the strength he
could muster towards the entrance of the nearest shop.
'
Easy, Your Grace
,' murmured Joffy, laying a hand on his shoulder and stopping him moving. '
You're going to be all right
.'
'
Bollocks
,' said Zvlkx in a state of exasperation, '
bollocks, bollocks, bollocks. :Survived the plague to get hit by a sodding
number twenty-three bus. Bollocks
.'
'What did he say?'
'He's annoyed.'
'Who are you?' I said. 'Are you ChronoGuard?'
His eyes flicked across to mine and he groaned. Not only dying, but dying and
rumbled.
He made another attempt to reach the doorway and collapsed.
'Someone call for an ambulance!' yelled out Joffy
'
It's too late for that
,' Zvlkx muttered. '
Too late for me, too late for all of us. This wasn't how it toas meant to turn
out; time is out of joint - anb it wan't be for me to set it right. Joffy,
take this and use it wisely as I would not have done. Bury me in the grounds
of my cathedral - and don't tell them who I was. I lived a sinner but I'd like
to die a saint, Oh, and if a fat slapper named Shirley tells you I promised
her a thousand quid, she's a bloody liar
.'
He coughed again, shivered for a moment and stopped moving. I placed my hand
on his grimy neck but could feel no pulse.
'What did he say?'
'Something about an overweight lady named Shirley, time being out of joint -
and using his Revealments as I see fit.'
'What did he mean by that? That his Revealment is not going to come true?'
'I don't know but he handed me this.'
It was Zvlkx's
Book of Revealments
. Joffy flicked through the yellowed pages, which outlined in Old
English every supposed prophecy he had made, next to an anthmetic sum of some
sort. Joffy closed
Zvlkx's eyes and placed his jacket over the dead saint's head. A crowd had
gathered, including a policeman, who took charge. Joffy hid the book and we
stood to one side as the blare of an ambulance started up in the distance. The
owner of the shop had come out and told us that tramps dying on his doorstep
was bad for business but changed his mind when he found out who it was.
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'My goodness!' he said in a respectful tone. 'Imagine a real live saint
honouring us with his death on our doorstep!'
I nudged Joffy and pointed at the shopfront. It was a betting shop.
'Typical!' snorted Joffy. 'If he hadn't died trying to get to the bookie's it
would have been the brothel. The only reason I knew he wouldn't be at the pub
is because it's not opening time.'
Startled, I looked at my watch. It was 10.50. Cindy. I had been thinking about
St Zvlkx so much I had forgotten all about her. I backed into the doorway and
glanced around. No sign of her, of course, but then she was the best. I
thought at first that the fact a crowd had gathered was good, as she would be
unlikely to want to kill innocent people, but changed my mind when I realised
that Cindy's creed of respect for innocent life could be written in very large
letters on the back of a matchbox. I had to get away from the crowd in case
someone else was hurt. I dashed off up Commercial Road and was approaching the
corner with Granville Street when I stopped abruptly. Cindy had walked around
the corner. My hand automatically closed around the butt of my gun but I
paused, all of a sudden uncertain.
She was not alone. She had Spike with her.
'Well!' said Spike, looking beyond me to the melee in the street behind me.
'What's going on here?'
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